bonne nuit

This was me when I awoke this morning.

No, I was not being tortured by Nazis -- just undergoing a sleep study.

If you've read this post, you know that I suffer from insomnia.  Well, my doctor recommended a sleep study just a few months after the Bug was born, but since it would've cost me about $3,000 to obtain said sleep study, it never was obtained.  And, now, my insurance finally covers sleep studies. 

That's right.  My insurance paid for them to do this to me.

This after my blood work was "normal" and my doctor insisted I'm just a "chronic insomniac." 

So this is sort of a last-ditch medical effort to determine exactly what is wrong with me, because I will not accept this "chronic insomniac" poppycock.

I've been nervous since the day the study was scheduled, so when the receptionist called to confirm, I peppered her with questions.

Can I lock my door?

Who is gonna be there?

Is the tech a man or a woman?

Do I still take my sleep meds?

Can I use my sound machine?

What happens in case of a fire?

What do I do if I have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night?

The girl's tone suggested that these were the most ridiculous questions she's ever heard in her life.

Well sorry, Boo, but I already have trouble sleeping.  How do you think sleeping in a strange room with Lord-knows-who roaming the halls and no lock on the door is gonna work for me?

My fears were confirmed when I arrived at the office at 8 pm and see this guy going in.

It wasn't actually this guy ('cuz that would've been cool), but it was someone like this guy. 

Don't get me wrong.  I have nothing against this guy.  I'm sure he's very charming.

My objection was to the fact that my door could not be locked during the night (for safety reasons???) and I was quite worried that -- horror of horrors- I could find this guy looming over my bed in the middle of the night in a deep sleep stupor or, worse yet, climbing into bed with me.

And I've seen enough episodes of I Love Lucy and Three's Company to know that could really happen.

After leaving me there for about 45 minutes to stare at the electrical grid I was to be hooked up to, the tech finally came back.

Y'all...

Seriously, I didn't count the wires, but there had to be at least 30 of 'em.

I felt like Frankenstein (except a little cuter).

Anyway, when she finally came back, she explained that once I was hooked up, I had to stay in bed with the lights out, and they would be watching me on the camera. 

As Chandler Bing would say, "Could it be any creepier?"

But, on the flip side, can you imagine what peculiar things these sleep techs must see on a regular basis?  Marvelous.

I had to knock on the headboard if I needed anything.  Anything.  I could not leave the bed. 

Since I knew that the aforementioned guy was under the same supervision, I knew he wouldn't be stumbling into my room.  The only consolation I had in this entire meddlesome ordeal.

The lady comes back and measured my head and -- no lie -- wrote all over my head with a wax pencil.  Then she applied some sort of glue and electrodes all over my head. Probably about 20 of them.  I also had one on my throat, chest and two on each leg.  I also had to wear that oxygen thingy on my finger, but when she put the oxygen thing in my nose (you know the thing that looks like an electrical plug), it took all I had to remain in that bed. 

That was very close to crossing the line with me.

But by that point, it would've taken at least a half hour to unhook me, so I decided against it.

She turns out all the lights and leaves the room, which is now pitch dark except for this red light glaring at me.  It looked like a demonic eye (or how I would imagine one to look like), which really helped with the nervous tension I was already experiencing.

Then I hear her voice over the intercom.

Lie still with your eyes closed.

Lie still with your eyes open.

Move your left leg.

Move your right leg.

Snore 3 times.  Do what???

Breathe through your nose only.

Breathe through your mouth only.

Take a deep breath and hold it.  Um....passing out a little, here!!

Okay, good night.

Within 5 minutes I was knocking on the headboard because my finger was completely numb from the oxygen thingy on my finger.

About an hour later, I was knocking on the headboard to have her unhook me so that I could go to the bathroom.  I had to carry my little electrical box with me.

And the rest of the night was a fitful blur of tossing and turning with this ridiculous mass of wires connected to my body.

They woke me at 5:40 a.m. and we went through the whole closed eyes, open eyes, move legs, and snore hullabaloo.

She disconnected me, and I was free to go.

So, in 5 to 6 business days, I am hoping to have an answer.

We shall see.